Never Split the Difference is an extremely readable guide to winning negotiations. Voss mainly focuses on techniques that seek to ask questions that identify the main obstacle to a deal and empathizing between the parties at a negotiation. Voss is a former FBI hostage negotiator, so he teaches a strategy of negotiation that is not about getting to something in the middle for both parties-"splitting the difference"-rather, Voss wants to win negotiations, since you can't get half a hostage.
One technique that came up a lot is "mirroring." Mirroring is when you repeat back the last three words or one to three critical words that a person has just said. It is highly effective on aggressive or powerful people, such as when you are negotiating a pay raise with your boss, because they want to feel heard and they want their authority acknowledged and respected. It works by using a calming tone, and saying something like, "I'm sorry..." as in "I'm sorry, 3% this year?" And then silence of at least four seconds. And repeat. This works to get the other party to reconsider what they just said or proposed without you having to say a solid "no."
Another important technique is "labeling." Voss writes that labeling emotions is an effective way to get the other party to reveal how they feel in a negotiation and give up valuable information. IT may sound like saying, "It seems like..." or "It sounds like..." and avoids using the pronoun "I" because it can get people's guard up when they remember that you are two different individuals negotiating across a table. This is honestly a really good technique I think just for daily life since people can relate better to each other when they label one another's emotions. I think Buddhists teach that in meditation you're supposed to label your thoughts as well.
Voss also emphasizes empathy as a way to get what you want. In many conversations, someone just wants to be able to express their opinions or feelings. If you can understand what they're saying and show that you understand it, they are much more willing to give you what you want. I imagine this could work in a plea negotiation for a criminal defendant in which the defendant's lawyer acknowledges the prosecutors worldview by saying identifying why the prosecutor does what they do or why they feel strongly about prosecuting this crime.
It is also valuable to use "how" questions to get to a better result. In hostage negotiations, this sounds like "How are we supposed to know she is alive?" or "How am I supposed to pay you?" This can help you get more time and makes the other party feel like they are in control. Their answers may also reveal valuable information. In reality, your questions may constrain your counterpart, but they will feel like they are in control and feel comfortable giving you what you want since they think its their own choice. There's a really good question-asking script that Voss uses in the book that lets you use "how" questions to say no or something otherwise negative as well as some of the other techniques:
1.A “No”-oriented email question to reinitiate contact: “Have you given up on settling this amicably?”
2.A statement that leaves only the answer of “That’s right” to form a dynamic of agreement: “It seems that you feel my bill is not justified.”
3.Calibrated questions about the problem to get him to reveal his thinking: “How does this bill violate our agreement?”
4.More “No”-oriented questions to remove unspoken barriers: “Are you saying I misled you?” “Are you saying I didn’t do as you asked?” “Are you saying I reneged on our agreement?” or “Are you saying I failed you?”
5.Labeling and mirroring the essence of his answers if they are not acceptable so he has to consider them again: “It seems like you feel my work was subpar.” Or “. . . my work was subpar?”
6.A calibrated question in reply to any offer other than full payment, in order to get him to offer a solution: “How am I supposed to accept that?”
7.If none of this gets an offer of full payment, a label that flatters his sense of control and power: “It seems like you are the type of person who prides himself on the way he does business—rightfully so—and has a knack for not only expanding the pie but making the ship run more efficiently.”
8.A long pause and then one more “No”-oriented question: “Do you want to be known as someone who doesn’t fulfill agreements?”
When its time to get down to brass tacks and negotiate specific numbers, Voss uses something called the Ackerman method, which has a few steps designed to get you to a good number. You set a target number that you want to reach of the thing you're buying. Then you set a first offer at 65% of your target price and calculate three raises of decreasing increments (85%, 95%, and 100% of the target price). Use lots of empathy and different ways of saying no to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer. Then, when calculating the final amount, use a precise, nonround number. That gives your number credibility and weight. And on your final number, throw in some nonmonetary item that they probably don't even want. That will show them that you're at your limit without you having to say it.
At the end of the book, Voss emphasizes that even though the goal of this book is to teach you how to win negotiations, it is important for everyone to embrace regular, thoughtful conflict as a way to live. Genuine, honest conflict is productive and helps people solve problems in a collaborative way. Looking out for your own interest is not selfish as long as you are an honest, decent person.
Miscellaneous Facts:
- Voss says that the more your counterpart uses "I," "me," and "my," the less power they actually have to make a deal. But if they use "we" a lot, you are probably talking to someone who is a decision-maker.
- In the same pronoun-theme as the above, using your own name can be helpful if you can naturally squeezing it in. People like you better and see you as human if they know your name. Voss calls it the "Chris discount" because he can ask at a store if they have any discounts, and if they say no, usually he can get away with a discount if he asks for a "Chris discount." They think its funny and try to help him out.
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