The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel

     The State of Affairs is not one of the typical history/geography/economics books I usually read, but I saw that someone I'm connected with on Goodreads was reading it and it sounded intriguing. In The State of Affairs, psychologist and couples counselor Esther Perel discusses infidelity, its causes, and what it means for relationships. There is a lot of really interesting commentary from Perel on the complexities of why people are unfaithful and whether or not infidelity signifies the end of a relationship.

    The book is full of small insights that were new to me. For example, there is a sort of trap with infidelity. Perel writes that, "once divorce carried all the stigma. Now, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame. Exhibit A is Hillary Clinton. Many women who otherwise admire her have never reconciled themselves with her decision to stay with her husband when she had the power to leave." Of course, in earlier times, she would have been judged for just the opposite. Instead, maybe we shouldn't judge people so much based on whether they choose to leave or stay with an unfaithful spouse. Perel also discusses interesting cultural differences in how people understand infidelity. In the United States, she says she is more likely to hear from her clients that "It's not that he cheated; it's that he lied about it." Whereas in Europe, that lying might be called "discretion" and is actually preferred. Then there's the definition of monogamy. Most people today would say they're monogamous, but by what definition? Monogamy used to mean one person for life, whereas now it only means one person at a time, which is a pretty big social change. Another interesting point Perel makes is about the difference between shame and guilt. Oftentimes, the unfaithful partner feels shame when they should feel guilt, because shame is a feeling about oneself, whereas guilt is about failings in one's duty towards another.

    Touching on the evolving definitions of marriage and infidelity, Perel talks about how getting married later has made infidelity less forgivable. Whereas in the past, marriage was a "cornerstone" that couples built their lives upon, today, marriage is more of a "capstone," to be entered into once both parties have their lives in order. Since people get married later, they tend to expect more maturity out of their partners when they pledge themselves to each other. 

    Perel argues that infidelity can be a part of a successful, long-lasting relationship, and that long-term couples should use the playbook of infidelity or the threat of infidelity as a way to maintain their relationship. When people see their partner as given to them completely rather than just a lease, they are more likely to take them for granted. She uses some interesting quotes, and one is from Alain de Boton, who says the secret to a long-lasting relationship is "Infidelity. Not the act itself, but the threat of it. For Proust, an injection of jealousy is the only thing capable of rescuing a relationship ruined by habit." Sometimes people seek out affairs because they feel they've let life pass them by and have become boring, and it has nothing to do with their spouse. Similarly, an affair may be for some a way out of the responsibilities of daily life. These individuals leave their "responsible self" with their spouse at home when they take care of the kids, cook meals, and work. But then, they separate their sexual self into another person, sneaking around with their secret boyfriend or girlfriend. Perel writes that, "mystery, novelty, and the unknown are built in. And the role of lover is quintessentially sexual, while the mother, the wife, and the housekeeper are left safely locked up at home." These people need to find a way to reintegrate their different selves, which they had separated.

Miscellaneous Facts:

• Even today more than 50% of marriages are arranged.
• Not really a "fact," but Perel distinguishes between two types of questions that a spouse may want to ask their partner who had an affair. There are "detective questions," which are all about the factual details of the affair and are unlikely to be productive, and there are "investigative questions," which ask why their partner chose to have an affair and inquire about their feelings rather than the act itself.
• Another good quote: "At its best monogamy may be the wish to find someone to die with; at its worst it is a cure for the terrors of aliveness. They are easily confused." Adam Phillips.